This is a genuine auction so please no time wasters :) This is unwanted as it turns out to be impervious to extended exposure to mother in law's constant jibes and less than encouraging comments about ones manhood. As it turns out a better present would have been a pair of earmuffs (or large mini skip of custard and semi-professional catapult that could be used to fire mother-in-law into said custard).

Although packaging has been opened, Cheer is still in good working order although optimism has a few scratches although these are mainly due to using the Ginsu knife of sarcasm which pierced casing slightly. Item comes with certificate of authenticity. Item is boxed and would be best shipped via courier. Can also throw in box of 5 assorted excuses that can be used to absolve any latent guilt for failure to accomplish New Years resolutions. Can also be used in some cases for forgotten birthdays, anniversaries and occasional failure to show up to meetings. *This is NOT applicable for use in case of affairs, trysts and general naughtiness. For such a product please see other listings. At this stage would consider a swap for:A medium size case of boyish charm and/or rugged good looks See pic 1

Use of 3 Little people to lift back end of car up and down at traffic lights giving the illusion of being a Mexican gangster with a low-rider See pic 2

A working late model Japanese imported car made of jelly (Must be automatic). Will consider any brand and flavour. Also have my eye on a jelly model of the St Paul's Cathedral and would consider if in pristine condition. See pic 3

Smoke machine that's appropriate for progressive rock troupe of poodles Called Poodle motion. Smoke machine must not create sense of impending doom as most 'gigs' are at old folks homes, and scaring fan base to death is not particularly good for repeat bookings. See pic 4

$1 reserve. Selling as this is a well-intentioned but unwanted gift from the laundry troll* that lives at the bottom of my garden. Troll may or may not be fictional